Oops I Did It Again


Having spent a few days on safari in the Masai Mara National Reserve we, together with Wouter, attempted yet another illegal border crossing into the Serengeti National Park, Tanzania. The Masai Mara was pretty good, the highlight was me getting Landy stuck in sand next to a pack of big lions. The border crossing proved successful and actually cheaper than going through the correct channels.

After passing the Tanzanian side by about 5km we started to skid whilst driving down the slope. Gav attempted to regain control of the car but we both realised the car was going to roll. When it did it managed 3 turns (270 degrees), an impressive achievement from 2 and a half tonnes. When we eventually stopped We both quickly escaped through the sun roof. I tried to stand but collapsed and saw a huge, gaping wound in my right leg which was pouring with blood. Gav wrapped something around my leg and ran off to try and get Wouter. As I lay there it was almost cartoon like. I saw all this blood rushing from my thigh but it didn't seem real. Then I suddenly realised I had to stop the bleeding or I might not be going anywhere. I tied a pair of jeans around my leg and tried to keep it in the air.

Luckily for some reason Wouter had come back looking for us. When he arrived his reaction of 'HOLY SHIT' was not exactly the comforting phrase i was looking for. I felt like i was losing consciousness as i was lifted into the back of wouter's car to look for help. In the car I noticed i was losing even more blood as i couldn't keep my leg straight. Wouter tried to keep me awake by talking crap (no change there then!).

Eventually we found the ranger's office and after much screaming they tried to call for help. I lay on the ground with my leg propped up, trying to stay awake. After a while some people arrived from one of the lodges who were medically trained. They located the arteries in my leg and managed to reduce the bleeding and placed a neck brace on me. They offered me a cigarette and I thought that this was a good time to start smoking again. These 2 people were fantastic and managed to get the flying doctors to the park within another hour.

When they received word that the plane was on its way I was placed in a stretcher and lifter into the back of a truck. It was only a 30 min drive through the park to reach the airstrip. In the truck i was really struggling to stay awake but thanks to Adrian I managed it.

On reaching the plane I was transferred to another stretcher, put on a drip, given oxygen and a large quantity of drugs- the latter of which i was extremely grateful for. A storm was starting and, just to add to the comedy, as we hit air pockets my stretcher managed to hit the roof a few times. When we landed in Nairobi airport police officials were polite enough to demand a 50 $ entry fee and my passport. I politely told them To " Fuck off". Eventually my screams got the better of them and they let the ambulance pass.

On arrival at the hospital a familiar scene awaited me as doors swung open, machines were attached to me and forms were thrust at me to sign (basically stating that thet could do anything they wanted and were not responsible for any mistakes- oh and i had to pay all the costs!

The doctor explained that they had to operate immediately due to the blood loss and as the wound was extremely deep. I was given an anaesthetic and rushed into theatre. At first i didn't feel anything but then i suddenly felt like the room had absorbed me. From this point on I went into, what i can only describe as, another galaxy. It was like my mind and body were 2 completely separate. It seems bizarre to say this now but I recall feeling like I was sinking into the ground (train spotting style). Other hallucinations included floating up to the ceiling until it became a path. This path led to some white gates where I felt really relaxed and had conversations with 'higher things'- but the gates wouldn't open. Another one i recall was that I was a Land Rover that was having a new part fitted to it. Another was being examined by aliens. Anyway, it was a strange assortment of drugs with some unusual effects.

When I came round i found some people in nicely fashioned green gowns placing sharp implements into my leg. I was aware of what was happening but couldn't move my body and still was unsure if they were aliens or not.

Slowly i became less lucid and was able to enquire 'what the fuck is going on'. I was told that i was in hospital (guessed that) and that my leg was going to be O.K. (big relief). Apparently, as i was leaving the theatre, I asked the nurses if i was on planet earth, demanded a local beer and told them I had been talking to 'a god'.

Now I've been in hospital a week and the leg is healing well. The surgeon told me I was extremely lucky as if the cut had been any deeper or if i had arrived any later it might have been 'bye bye' leg. I've since asked him for more of the anaesthetic, claiming it would be a good hit in UK clubs but, unfortunately, he won't sell any.

Everyone in the hospital is fantastic and they are even letting me abuse their internet facilities.

On the down side the TV, which consists of US Evangelistic rubbish and THE worst US soap operas i have ever seen is driving me insane. There is also a medical channel which shows classics such as 'cystitis', 'papsmear' and 'cancer of the prostrate' just in-case you are feeling bored.

At the moment I am not sure if I can continue the trip. I have to wait until we find out when Landy is fixed (hopefully Monday) and see if i can squeeze my leg in the car without any further damage. Also my insurance company is threatening to cancel if i don't return but hopefully all will be O.K.

Dan, Nairobi Hospital (wearing a attractive green hospital frock)


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